There's something going on in my head that I can't really lay my finger on. My mind is changing the way it thinks and I can't do anything about it. My perceptions about people around me are changing and I'm changing into someone who is somewhat a stranger to me. Yet I know for sure that this new person is me and that this evolution had to happen sooner or later.

There is this deep desire to try and discover my spirituality. I know it sounds very vague, show-offish and maybe superficial to say this but I can't help it. It is something I want to do. It's a voice that I've known has always dwelled inside me and I've talked to it on numerous occasions...it's this voice that's calling out to me very frequently and telling me to do certain things while not to do certain others.

I woke up yesterday morning and my first thought of the day was that I want to give up eating non-veg food. Just like that! And there was not a single doubt in my mind that it is just the thing to do. It's like I'm actually receiving messages from somewhere or someone.

Mind's totally dizzy right now...

Oh, the games people play...

Nasty and mean and crazy

Meaning to hurt you,

And deliberately cause you pain

Games to make you understand

That you will never be good enough...

No matter how hard you try

Games to push you away

When you want to come close

Games to display their false sense of security

And to show they don't need you

Even when you know they do...

Deep within I think, they know

That they are playing these games

With their own selves and not with others

Yet they can't stop

I wish there were some way...

Oh, the games people play!!

I like to think of myself as a rather straightforward and direct person. I can't address people indirectly and am pathetically bad at the use of sarcasm. But for all my directness, I can't, for the life of me, say hurtful things to people no matter how true they may be. I'd rather keep it all inside me and deal with it my way in my own sweet time. They say that people who say it all on the face are really good at heart and they don't carry any malice with them. I for one, am not too sure about this. I think that many a time, people who say it all, do so to deliberately hurt others and cause heartache and to make things easy for themselves. They vomit it out, hiding behind the silly preconceived notion that they're very clear hearted and then happily move on, regardless of however badly they might have hurt the other party. In my opinion, they are the most insensitive and selfish people of all.

The other problem that ails me is my inability to deal with inconsistencies. I don't and can never understand people who change like the goddamned weather! They are oh, so sweet! today and 'You won't understand, no matter what' kind of unfriendly beings the very next day. I do know that we all have special friends who understand us even more than our own family can, but I somehow, do not like being reminded that to somebody I share family ties with, some bloke sitting 300 km away is the one who matters more. That some piece of advice given by me is shrugged upon and shot down while the same words uttered over the phone by somebody who is not even physically present in the situation is accepted with much gratitude and happiness!! WTH!!! I feel mad and I feel offended and I feel hurt.

What is one to do, when despite everything, one can't seem to get through to the other person? What is one to do to make someone happy, when that someone has decided to ruin his/her own happiness and peace of mind? And then, when it gets too much, I know I'll ultimately reach that point when I say to myself "Chuck it! It's not worth it!" It's not that easy to just chuck it and move on (at least for me) but I think I'm seriously going to give it a shot...