Meanest to Those We Love Most

We are meanest to the people we love. It’s surprising how complacency catches up with the best of us. After having spent years and years with someone we love, we start taking things for granted and stop making concessions for the fact that with every living breath we are all evolving, changing. Two people sharing space, time are supposed to share their ideas, ideals, plans and dreams as well. Yet the operative word is ‘two’ and two is not one. As long as we try to be unified in our aspirations and keep moving in the same general direction, we assume that everything is fine between us. But then sometimes, we get a rude shock when we find that somewhere along the road, we have changed to such an extent that we have stopped relating to each other except at a very superficial level. We are holding hands but our hearts are somewhere else. Our priorities have changed and then we do and say things that are deliberately meant to hurt the one we love the most. In our desperation to work things out yet not willing to ‘give in’, we hope that our partner will look beyond our mask of indifference, anger and frustration. This is the beginning of the end for a lot many relationships….when two individuals instead of focussing on their togetherness, start focussing on their individuality. The “I, me and mine” suddenly starts dictating terms and everything else takes a back seat. And that’s where the actual challenge starts. Trying to get through to the one you love when you know it’s not going to be easy. Not giving up on the other person even when they have given up on themselves…

When I say we are meanest to the people we love, I’m not just referring to two lovers or a married couple, but even our children, our parents… The day we become parents, we hold our baby in our arms and filled with pride, happiness and gratitude promise to ourselves and the little being in our lap that we’ll love her/ him to the best of our abilities and take care of them and always keep them happy. I have yet to meet a parent who hasn’t felt that way, yet let a few years go by and the charm’s gone…. We treat our kids worse than we would a stranger. We are after them all the time, judging them, admonishing them, pulling them down and breaking their confidence. And we do it with a sense of duty, almost an obligation telling ourselves that what we are doing is eventually for their good. And even if it saddens us, we still ‘have to’ do it because we are their parents, responsible for disciplining them, correcting their behaviour and what not. And the kids, oh, they break our hearts by their sheer trusting, forgiving nature. They go on loving us in their own pure, innocent way. It is said that the only true and unconditional love in the world is that of a mother for her child. I beg to differ. I think there exists another love that’s equally pure and unconditional if not more. It’s the love our children shower upon us day in and day out. Parents judge their children by standards of excellence in academics, sports, performing arts, something or the other. Some scale is always there. But do our children ever judge us? Atleast not as long as they are children. They won’t love us any less if we were just a graduate or even illiterate. They won’t love us any more even if we were the President or a superstar. They won’t love us any different if we were not as good looking as we are or more. That’s love and that’s beyond us grown ups. That’s what we need to learn and relearn all the time. Yet we are always too busy teaching things to our children rather than learning from them.

On days when I’m very upset with my kids about something, I try to recall the first time I laid my eyes on them. It’s that feeling that puts things into perspective for me. I remember the time when just their health, well being and happiness was of utmost importance to me rather than their success or their behaviour… that of course does not absolve me of my duty as a parent but it sure as hell reminds me not to take their presence in my life for granted. I try to make sure they don’t feel unloved when all I’m trying to do is checking them for some small inconsequential wrong doing of theirs.

The battle between loving and not loving goes on….and I’m not giving up - not now, not ever.