Happy to be!

Today is always better than yesterday

At least as long as it lasts

What pulled us down yesterday becomes a thing of the past today

Life gives us a second chance

The sun rises again and vapourises our worries with its warmth

But we do need to step out for that to happen

That's where the choice to make our own destiny comes in

We can either choose to stay indoors and keep the shades drawn

Or rush out into the open and take a shot at being happy again

Moving on is the only thing that makes sense to me

'Coz it's always easy to travel light

No excess baggage to pull you back

No burden to drag you down

I'm happy for where I am today

happy for what I do

happy for who I am with 

happy for what I have...

I know there is no guarantee that I'll feel this way all my life

But I also know  that no matter what I'll never be satisfied with the dark

I'll always seek my place under the sun

I'll always count my blessings

And they will always outweigh my sorrows

Meanwhile, today....

I'm just happy to be

Why do i tell the truth ?

Why do i speak my mind ?

Why do i seek answers ?

Why do i want to resolve issues ?

Why do i want peace ?

Why do i love ?

Why do i know ?

Why do i feel ?

Why do i hurt ?

Why am i honest ?

Why am i loyal ?

Why am i also....

not happy but still happy?

time to let go

the planet completes one more revolution
in our heliocentric universe
we reach the same place
we started from...
yet things are so different
what we call a year
to many is 365 days
to some just a term
for me it has been the journey of a lifetime
dreams have taken roots
and even as the young sapling of our ambition
reaches out to the skies,
tiny little fledglings are spreading out their wings
a bunch of happy, hopeful and very loved kids
are ready to step out into the world beyond
these kids are mine though they don't belong to me
they are what we stand for,
what we believe in and what we care about
soon enough they'll be gone
yet they'll never leave this space
they are what we have made them....
or maybe we are what they have made us
a year ago i welcomed them into my fold
and forever there will they be
it's a proud moment
it's painful
and it's breaking my heart
it's time for goodbyes
and it's time to let go
it's time for them to find their place under the sun
as the planet completes one more revolution

Now is all I've got

Pakshalika, my elder daughter, is turning seven this Saturday. Of course, for her the countdown to her Birthday (read party) began in November itself. Last year we'd just moved from Delhi so she didn't have many friends but it's different this time. She's got too many friends- so much so that Sunil and I had to set an upper limit to the number of people she can possibly call to her B'day Party. However, after 26/11 happened, I started wondering about the propriety of having a party. I didn't feel like celebrating but at the same time I didn't have the heart to tell Pakshalika that we couldn't have a party for her this year. I just kept putting off making the essential list of guests, deciding on the menu and all on one pretext or the other. I kept telling myself that I was too busy and would eventually do it.
However through all my procrastination, both my daughters kept planning and planning. Then last Saturday when the kids and Sunil had gone off to sleep, I sat down with a pen and paper and generally started scribbling. I knew I had to do something. Then suddenly it struck me. One of the most important duties is my duty towards my kids. I need to teach them the value of being happy, of being there 'in' the moment...though I know that's something I need to learn from them. And I also realised, perhaps for the first time that I need to do this for myself more than for them. Of course I know that life goes on and that we have no option but to move on with it or else we lose sync. But more than that I now realise that one can not be sure of the future- hell, one can not be sure of the next moment. But one can definitely celebrate now and live it up to the hilt. It's for this reason that I'll be celebrating Pakshalika's Birthday this time and for all times to come. It will be my way of expressing gratitude for the fact that I'm blessed with a wonderful family and that God has given me the most wonderful gift of all- the gift of love. But most of all, it'll be a reminder of the simple fact that NOW IS ALL I'VE GOT!!

The People's Democracy

What has the largest democracy in the world come to? Democracy by virtue of it's definition is the govenment OF the people, BY the people and FOR the people. In a nutshell, the whole system revolves around people, namely the citizens of the country. Or, at least it should. On the contrary, we have managed to evolve a new mutant of democracy wherein once the people have cast their vote, they become part of the teeming millions who are treated like well, what can I say, numbers? 

At a time when the nation is mourning it's dead and our hearts aching for the several hundred injured and the affected families, we have senior politicians passing statements that no thinking man would dream of. We have the Dep CM of Maha, the state where the carnage took place and he says something to the effect that in big cities (read Mumbai) one or two such incidents can happen and it in no way signifies failure of the system. The next day the CM Maha, visits the battered Taj hotel with his son Ritiesh Deshmukh 'the Star' and the 'Star Director' RGV as part of his entourage. And while countering the public outcry against such insensitivity, he clarifies that RGV is not a terrorist! And by the way, his son simply accompanied his Dad because he was plain curious. Curious to see what it was like for hundreds of people to have been trapped in that hell hole or maybe curious to see how a film script could be made out of the first hand images he saw with his director friend. The same gentleman, if I may call him that, the CM told in an interview to some reporters that in the CWC meeting he had offered to resign IF he was responsible for what happened and that the Queen Bee and the PM's decision would be final. "If" he's responsible??? The man has a doubt on that account?! And it's as if what Sonia Gandhi thinks is the only thing that matters.

Then we have Mr. Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi VP, BJP who reacts to the people protesting against the insensitivity of these same politicians and he goes on record to say that women putting on lipstick and powder and men in suits and ties holding candles, following western culture are not the voice of the nation. 

So, we the educated class have no business criticising the politicians simply because we don't count. And why not? Because he thinks (maybe rightly so) that the people who actually matter at the time of elections are the poor, illiterate people who'll be blindly lured by the lies that our dear politicians serve them and will lap up whatever they are offered in exchange of their vote- cash, blankets, clothes, poori-aaloo, a free ride to the polling booth...well the incentives are many.

But in this whole sickening scenario the guy who takes the cake is the Kerala CM Achutanandan who was snubbed and refused entry by Maj. Sandeep Unnikrishnan's father who didn't want the crocodile tears of politicos marring his son's martyrdom. The man had the audacity to claim that had it not been for Sandeep's being a martyr not even a dog what have glanced in the direction of their home. If this is not treason, what is? How can our democratic system be a mute spectator to all this and still carry on?

Fact is, no matter what we say, no matter how strongly we react, we can't turn a leaf. Because we don't count. And the powers that be won't let us be counted. It is said that extreme situations require extreme measures. The time has come, I guess for extreme measures.

26/11

Will somebody please explain/ rationalise/ decode/ make sense out of what's happening in Mumbai in particular and India in general? I doubt there's a single aware individual who's unaffected today by the sheer horror of what's happening around us. It's an incredibly crazy situation that scares the hell out of you. What do I tell my 7 year old daughter who woke up today morning at 6 o'clock and caught us watching the news...What could I have said to her when she held my hand and asked me if all this was ever going to stop or if this was going to be a part of her life. I don't want my kids to grow up in the shadow of this senseless terror, none of us do. But is there a way out? Even at the risk of sounding pessimistic, I have to confess that today I feel hopelessly helpless. One goes to bed with news of a terror attack and wakes up with even more shocking updates. The day is spent surfing numerous sites and flipping channels, calling up friends to enquire about their well being. What kind of a life is this? What kind of a democracy is this where the most fundamental of human rights, the right to life is not valued at all? The whole thing is like one big joke. The terrorists take over the financial capital of the country, do as they like, go where they wish to, kill whoever happens to cross their path and all we are left with are a couple of images and two minutes of footage of some guy wearing a "Versace polo neck sweatshirt and a sling bag" walking out of CST after indiscriminately shooting at about 20 odd people. What about the hostages, the guests who were out to have a nice dinner with their family and friends to unwind after a hard day's work or people travelling on business whose families will never see them again? What about the Taj GM whose entire family got wiped out in one freak twist of fate? What about the 125 people who are dead and gone, the 300 odd injured? And that's just the loss we can account for, the loss we can quantify. What about the intangible damage in the form of fear psychosis, distrust and loss of faith? What about the innumerable questions that need urgent answers? Who is responsible for us, to us? Can we even think of relying on the system anymore to protect our very lives and those of our loved ones?
The head is swimming with the images of the day. I pray with all my heart for the people going through this ordeal, the hostages, their families and all the victims of this mindless violence. 

The only thing that makes sense is what seems most unattainable at the moment....the words of Rabindranath Tagore:

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high;
Where knowledge is free;
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow domestic walls;
Where words come out from the depth of truth;
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection;
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way into the dreary desert sand of dead habit;
Where the mind is led forward by thee into ever-widening thought and action--
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.
Amen!

Meanest to Those We Love Most

We are meanest to the people we love. It’s surprising how complacency catches up with the best of us. After having spent years and years with someone we love, we start taking things for granted and stop making concessions for the fact that with every living breath we are all evolving, changing. Two people sharing space, time are supposed to share their ideas, ideals, plans and dreams as well. Yet the operative word is ‘two’ and two is not one. As long as we try to be unified in our aspirations and keep moving in the same general direction, we assume that everything is fine between us. But then sometimes, we get a rude shock when we find that somewhere along the road, we have changed to such an extent that we have stopped relating to each other except at a very superficial level. We are holding hands but our hearts are somewhere else. Our priorities have changed and then we do and say things that are deliberately meant to hurt the one we love the most. In our desperation to work things out yet not willing to ‘give in’, we hope that our partner will look beyond our mask of indifference, anger and frustration. This is the beginning of the end for a lot many relationships….when two individuals instead of focussing on their togetherness, start focussing on their individuality. The “I, me and mine” suddenly starts dictating terms and everything else takes a back seat. And that’s where the actual challenge starts. Trying to get through to the one you love when you know it’s not going to be easy. Not giving up on the other person even when they have given up on themselves…

When I say we are meanest to the people we love, I’m not just referring to two lovers or a married couple, but even our children, our parents… The day we become parents, we hold our baby in our arms and filled with pride, happiness and gratitude promise to ourselves and the little being in our lap that we’ll love her/ him to the best of our abilities and take care of them and always keep them happy. I have yet to meet a parent who hasn’t felt that way, yet let a few years go by and the charm’s gone…. We treat our kids worse than we would a stranger. We are after them all the time, judging them, admonishing them, pulling them down and breaking their confidence. And we do it with a sense of duty, almost an obligation telling ourselves that what we are doing is eventually for their good. And even if it saddens us, we still ‘have to’ do it because we are their parents, responsible for disciplining them, correcting their behaviour and what not. And the kids, oh, they break our hearts by their sheer trusting, forgiving nature. They go on loving us in their own pure, innocent way. It is said that the only true and unconditional love in the world is that of a mother for her child. I beg to differ. I think there exists another love that’s equally pure and unconditional if not more. It’s the love our children shower upon us day in and day out. Parents judge their children by standards of excellence in academics, sports, performing arts, something or the other. Some scale is always there. But do our children ever judge us? Atleast not as long as they are children. They won’t love us any less if we were just a graduate or even illiterate. They won’t love us any more even if we were the President or a superstar. They won’t love us any different if we were not as good looking as we are or more. That’s love and that’s beyond us grown ups. That’s what we need to learn and relearn all the time. Yet we are always too busy teaching things to our children rather than learning from them.

On days when I’m very upset with my kids about something, I try to recall the first time I laid my eyes on them. It’s that feeling that puts things into perspective for me. I remember the time when just their health, well being and happiness was of utmost importance to me rather than their success or their behaviour… that of course does not absolve me of my duty as a parent but it sure as hell reminds me not to take their presence in my life for granted. I try to make sure they don’t feel unloved when all I’m trying to do is checking them for some small inconsequential wrong doing of theirs.

The battle between loving and not loving goes on….and I’m not giving up - not now, not ever.