There's something going on in my head that I can't really lay my finger on. My mind is changing the way it thinks and I can't do anything about it. My perceptions about people around me are changing and I'm changing into someone who is somewhat a stranger to me. Yet I know for sure that this new person is me and that this evolution had to happen sooner or later.

There is this deep desire to try and discover my spirituality. I know it sounds very vague, show-offish and maybe superficial to say this but I can't help it. It is something I want to do. It's a voice that I've known has always dwelled inside me and I've talked to it on numerous occasions...it's this voice that's calling out to me very frequently and telling me to do certain things while not to do certain others.

I woke up yesterday morning and my first thought of the day was that I want to give up eating non-veg food. Just like that! And there was not a single doubt in my mind that it is just the thing to do. It's like I'm actually receiving messages from somewhere or someone.

Mind's totally dizzy right now...

Oh, the games people play...

Nasty and mean and crazy

Meaning to hurt you,

And deliberately cause you pain

Games to make you understand

That you will never be good enough...

No matter how hard you try

Games to push you away

When you want to come close

Games to display their false sense of security

And to show they don't need you

Even when you know they do...

Deep within I think, they know

That they are playing these games

With their own selves and not with others

Yet they can't stop

I wish there were some way...

Oh, the games people play!!

I like to think of myself as a rather straightforward and direct person. I can't address people indirectly and am pathetically bad at the use of sarcasm. But for all my directness, I can't, for the life of me, say hurtful things to people no matter how true they may be. I'd rather keep it all inside me and deal with it my way in my own sweet time. They say that people who say it all on the face are really good at heart and they don't carry any malice with them. I for one, am not too sure about this. I think that many a time, people who say it all, do so to deliberately hurt others and cause heartache and to make things easy for themselves. They vomit it out, hiding behind the silly preconceived notion that they're very clear hearted and then happily move on, regardless of however badly they might have hurt the other party. In my opinion, they are the most insensitive and selfish people of all.

The other problem that ails me is my inability to deal with inconsistencies. I don't and can never understand people who change like the goddamned weather! They are oh, so sweet! today and 'You won't understand, no matter what' kind of unfriendly beings the very next day. I do know that we all have special friends who understand us even more than our own family can, but I somehow, do not like being reminded that to somebody I share family ties with, some bloke sitting 300 km away is the one who matters more. That some piece of advice given by me is shrugged upon and shot down while the same words uttered over the phone by somebody who is not even physically present in the situation is accepted with much gratitude and happiness!! WTH!!! I feel mad and I feel offended and I feel hurt.

What is one to do, when despite everything, one can't seem to get through to the other person? What is one to do to make someone happy, when that someone has decided to ruin his/her own happiness and peace of mind? And then, when it gets too much, I know I'll ultimately reach that point when I say to myself "Chuck it! It's not worth it!" It's not that easy to just chuck it and move on (at least for me) but I think I'm seriously going to give it a shot...

There are times when you can't seem to understand your own emotions, times when you don't know yourself. There are days when you can't figure out your thoughts, your feelings...Tough are such days though few and far between. They bring you down to terra firma. They are your brush with an alternate reality that you know exists, yet pretend not to know about...

I had such a day after I don't even remember how long. A day when tears were threatening to break down the walls of quiet resolve, when even the "public" smile refused to bail me out. I'm glad I was alone then... There are times when you're upset and you want to share your pain with someone and then there are times when you just want to be left alone. It was one of those latter ones... albeit rare.

I know not what happened to cause it, but the feeling was there...the feeling of strange emptiness, listlessness and a dull pain. It's not that intense now, it's like a wave that washes over you and goes by. But it leaves you wet to the core nonetheless. So, the feeling's gone but the after effects remain... Everytime I laugh, I feel a hollowness inside me. I feel as if I'm pretending- in front of the world and maybe even to myself. There's something the matter and I just can't put my finger to it. I carry on with my daily chores but I'm not what I used to be a couple of days ago. I'm changing and I don't know this person that I'm changing into. That's what's bothering me. I want to be me, the me I've known all my life. I don't want to be this person who's unnecessarily contemplative, worried, hassled and sad. I need some time alone with myself. I need to ask myself what went wrong and when? I want to not stop the sadness but to let it take over me and then GO. I just want to cry and cry till I have no more tears left in my system choking me up. I just want to be able to be happy again...

Tomorrow

Tomorrow and every day after that,

I'd like to see your face first thing in the morning.

Tomorrow like yesterday,

I'll want to love you with all my heart.

Tomorrow and forever,

I'll pray to hear you laughing.

Tomorrow and all my life,

I'll need you like I need my breath.

Tomorrow and till eternity,

I'll wish you happiness.

Tomorrow and every living hour,

I'll send your way warm sunshine and a gentle breeze.

Tomorrow I'll hold you in my arms

But today....

I'll count my blessings and just be content.

Ten years!

A million joys

A hundred thousand smiles

Innumerable expressions of love

A few fights

Many disagreements

Immeasurable growth

Boundless devotion

Unmentionable jokes

Passionate kisses

Warm embraces

Days filled with laughter

Nights of love

Sincerity and support

Excitement galore

Happiness unlimited

Forevermore

Uncountable hugs

Pats on the back

Some tears, some fears

Then back on the track

Ten years of togetherness

Ten years of dreams

Ten years of bliss

And Ten years of him...

Love you, always!

Well, well, well...what does one write when one is over the moon? Why is it that words come tumbling out when you're angry or sad or upset but they totally fail you when you are ecstatic? I am at such a juncture now. Am truly at a loss for words here...but write something I will. I once talked about how the grief and desperation of a loved one can pull you into a dark abyss, about how sometimes love's not enough. Today, I stand corrected. I say it with no small amount of pride that love does conquer all. Today, I feel the power of love, yet again. The power of young, blind love that sweeps away all things dull and petty, the kind of love that makes you realize how beautiful and special you are; how you are the most important person in the whole wide world and how you are the one that only you were meant to be.

Love is the magic wand that transforms your life with one swish and you suddenly know that fairy tales do come true...that there really is someone made just for you and that you can find your "happily-ever-after" just with him.

It's the magic potion that gives you the greatest high ever. It's the elixir of life.

It's the hand you reach out for whenever you're down and out....it's the body you seek next to you even when you're deep asleep....it's the voice you yearn to hear whispering sweet lil nothings in your ears....it's the hair you want to run your hands through...the smell you want to keep breathing in....it's just you and the other person and it's just you both as one.

Now, before I totally fly off the handle, I guess I'll sign off. God bless all of us who're in love!