Well, well, well...what does one write when one is over the moon? Why is it that words come tumbling out when you're angry or sad or upset but they totally fail you when you are ecstatic? I am at such a juncture now. Am truly at a loss for words here...but write something I will. I once talked about how the grief and desperation of a loved one can pull you into a dark abyss, about how sometimes love's not enough. Today, I stand corrected. I say it with no small amount of pride that love does conquer all. Today, I feel the power of love, yet again. The power of young, blind love that sweeps away all things dull and petty, the kind of love that makes you realize how beautiful and special you are; how you are the most important person in the whole wide world and how you are the one that only you were meant to be.

Love is the magic wand that transforms your life with one swish and you suddenly know that fairy tales do come true...that there really is someone made just for you and that you can find your "happily-ever-after" just with him.

It's the magic potion that gives you the greatest high ever. It's the elixir of life.

It's the hand you reach out for whenever you're down and out....it's the body you seek next to you even when you're deep asleep....it's the voice you yearn to hear whispering sweet lil nothings in your ears....it's the hair you want to run your hands through...the smell you want to keep breathing in....it's just you and the other person and it's just you both as one.

Now, before I totally fly off the handle, I guess I'll sign off. God bless all of us who're in love!

I like to take things easy, like to travel light without too much baggage yet sometimes things get too complicated. I don't like being sad or feeling low and it bothers me a lot if and when I am. I've always been a happy sort of person, one who takes things in her stride and moves on. But I guess life gets the best of us at times.

Today is one such day. Sunil's away for a few days and even at the risk of sounding very immature and foolish I'd like to put it on record here that I miss him a lot. I am not someone who likes to be away from people I love, moreso if that person happens to be my lifeline. And I feel nothing wrong in saying that I don't like to be without him and that is something that constantly weighs on my mind...Add to that the various things that kept going wrong yesterday. It was one helluva day and boy, was I glad when at last it got over! I was faring much better today but then something happened that shook me to the core...

I have a child in the play group who's not even two and a half. Her parents are too busy with their professional committments and the poor child is left at the mercy of a maid. Over a few days, we'd been noticing that she's just not responding to/ getting involved in any activity that's being done in school. It was bothering us a lot and so it was only natural that when her mother came to pick her up today (which she rarely does), I told her that if possible she should try and spend some one to one time with the kid so that there can be some follow up at home for what is being done on school. I might add here that about a fortnight back, the mother had expressed concern that the child can't even rote count to 5 (which I personally feel is no big deal, she's too young). Now, this was dispersal time and the child was holding her bag in her hands. She mindlessly started nibbling at the bag and even as I was talking to the lady, she called the child to her and slapped her hard on the face! The child stumbled and fell down on the floor and started howling...For a couple of seconds I was just so shocked I couldn't react! Even then I thought it happened by mistake and I said "yeh toh zyada zor se lag gaya isey" as I bent down to pick up the child. It was only when I saw the mother's face that I realised to my horror that she'd actually meant to hit her! OMG! After getting up, the crying child started pulling on her mother's dress; she obviously wanted to be pacified but the mother in turn told her' "tumhe pata hai na humne kyun maara hai? Ab chalo kaan pakdo aur sorry bolo". I just had to cut her short here. I told her to stop it because we don't follow this system of humiliating kids by asking them to catch their ears in front of everybody and all that. Some people simply don't know when they are wrong but the worst of all are those who insist that they are right all the time. Here I was talking to one person who belonged to the latter category. Instead of conceding that what she had just done was wrong, she told me to make the child stand in a corner and to tell her that she's under punishment. I refused to do so. By then other parents had started arriving and I had to pull myself away but then I saw the child actually catching her ears and a gratifying smile on the mother's face. How I controlled my temper only I know. People close to me know how absolutely I hate the use of physical violence against children and to have somebody do so in front of my eyes, in my own school...

The only thing that stopped me was sheer courtesy and the fact that Sunil's not here and I didn't want to create a scene in front of all the children and parents. Anyway, I asked her to sit down and then spoke to her at length about the futility of the whole exercise. I don't know if it'll make any difference to her but at least now that I've expresed my displeasure, she won't do it front of me ever again. I don't know how that'll help the child but it's the least I could do.

That brings me to a burning question- why do we as parents deliberately hurt our children, our sensitive, defenceless, helpless children? What do we get out of the whole unpleasantness? And what on earth makes us think that we're actually helping them and doing them a favour...I don't know. This is one question that totally stumps me everytime I think about it. Aren't we guilty of physically or emotionally abusing our own children as much as anybody else who'd do so? I'm just too drained to go on writing about this now. Guess I'll leave it at this and end this with a prayer:

The Gift of a Child

Dear God, I thank You for the gift of this child to raise, this life to share, this mind to help mold, this body to nurture, and this spirit to enrich. Let me never betray this child's trust, dampen this child's hope, or discourage this child's dreams. Help me, dear God, to help this precious child become all You mean him to be. Let Your grace and love fall on him like gentle breezes and give him inner strength and peace and patience for the journey ahead.

Amen.

Happy to be!

Today is always better than yesterday

At least as long as it lasts

What pulled us down yesterday becomes a thing of the past today

Life gives us a second chance

The sun rises again and vapourises our worries with its warmth

But we do need to step out for that to happen

That's where the choice to make our own destiny comes in

We can either choose to stay indoors and keep the shades drawn

Or rush out into the open and take a shot at being happy again

Moving on is the only thing that makes sense to me

'Coz it's always easy to travel light

No excess baggage to pull you back

No burden to drag you down

I'm happy for where I am today

happy for what I do

happy for who I am with 

happy for what I have...

I know there is no guarantee that I'll feel this way all my life

But I also know  that no matter what I'll never be satisfied with the dark

I'll always seek my place under the sun

I'll always count my blessings

And they will always outweigh my sorrows

Meanwhile, today....

I'm just happy to be

Why do i tell the truth ?

Why do i speak my mind ?

Why do i seek answers ?

Why do i want to resolve issues ?

Why do i want peace ?

Why do i love ?

Why do i know ?

Why do i feel ?

Why do i hurt ?

Why am i honest ?

Why am i loyal ?

Why am i also....

not happy but still happy?

time to let go

the planet completes one more revolution
in our heliocentric universe
we reach the same place
we started from...
yet things are so different
what we call a year
to many is 365 days
to some just a term
for me it has been the journey of a lifetime
dreams have taken roots
and even as the young sapling of our ambition
reaches out to the skies,
tiny little fledglings are spreading out their wings
a bunch of happy, hopeful and very loved kids
are ready to step out into the world beyond
these kids are mine though they don't belong to me
they are what we stand for,
what we believe in and what we care about
soon enough they'll be gone
yet they'll never leave this space
they are what we have made them....
or maybe we are what they have made us
a year ago i welcomed them into my fold
and forever there will they be
it's a proud moment
it's painful
and it's breaking my heart
it's time for goodbyes
and it's time to let go
it's time for them to find their place under the sun
as the planet completes one more revolution

Now is all I've got

Pakshalika, my elder daughter, is turning seven this Saturday. Of course, for her the countdown to her Birthday (read party) began in November itself. Last year we'd just moved from Delhi so she didn't have many friends but it's different this time. She's got too many friends- so much so that Sunil and I had to set an upper limit to the number of people she can possibly call to her B'day Party. However, after 26/11 happened, I started wondering about the propriety of having a party. I didn't feel like celebrating but at the same time I didn't have the heart to tell Pakshalika that we couldn't have a party for her this year. I just kept putting off making the essential list of guests, deciding on the menu and all on one pretext or the other. I kept telling myself that I was too busy and would eventually do it.
However through all my procrastination, both my daughters kept planning and planning. Then last Saturday when the kids and Sunil had gone off to sleep, I sat down with a pen and paper and generally started scribbling. I knew I had to do something. Then suddenly it struck me. One of the most important duties is my duty towards my kids. I need to teach them the value of being happy, of being there 'in' the moment...though I know that's something I need to learn from them. And I also realised, perhaps for the first time that I need to do this for myself more than for them. Of course I know that life goes on and that we have no option but to move on with it or else we lose sync. But more than that I now realise that one can not be sure of the future- hell, one can not be sure of the next moment. But one can definitely celebrate now and live it up to the hilt. It's for this reason that I'll be celebrating Pakshalika's Birthday this time and for all times to come. It will be my way of expressing gratitude for the fact that I'm blessed with a wonderful family and that God has given me the most wonderful gift of all- the gift of love. But most of all, it'll be a reminder of the simple fact that NOW IS ALL I'VE GOT!!

The People's Democracy

What has the largest democracy in the world come to? Democracy by virtue of it's definition is the govenment OF the people, BY the people and FOR the people. In a nutshell, the whole system revolves around people, namely the citizens of the country. Or, at least it should. On the contrary, we have managed to evolve a new mutant of democracy wherein once the people have cast their vote, they become part of the teeming millions who are treated like well, what can I say, numbers? 

At a time when the nation is mourning it's dead and our hearts aching for the several hundred injured and the affected families, we have senior politicians passing statements that no thinking man would dream of. We have the Dep CM of Maha, the state where the carnage took place and he says something to the effect that in big cities (read Mumbai) one or two such incidents can happen and it in no way signifies failure of the system. The next day the CM Maha, visits the battered Taj hotel with his son Ritiesh Deshmukh 'the Star' and the 'Star Director' RGV as part of his entourage. And while countering the public outcry against such insensitivity, he clarifies that RGV is not a terrorist! And by the way, his son simply accompanied his Dad because he was plain curious. Curious to see what it was like for hundreds of people to have been trapped in that hell hole or maybe curious to see how a film script could be made out of the first hand images he saw with his director friend. The same gentleman, if I may call him that, the CM told in an interview to some reporters that in the CWC meeting he had offered to resign IF he was responsible for what happened and that the Queen Bee and the PM's decision would be final. "If" he's responsible??? The man has a doubt on that account?! And it's as if what Sonia Gandhi thinks is the only thing that matters.

Then we have Mr. Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi VP, BJP who reacts to the people protesting against the insensitivity of these same politicians and he goes on record to say that women putting on lipstick and powder and men in suits and ties holding candles, following western culture are not the voice of the nation. 

So, we the educated class have no business criticising the politicians simply because we don't count. And why not? Because he thinks (maybe rightly so) that the people who actually matter at the time of elections are the poor, illiterate people who'll be blindly lured by the lies that our dear politicians serve them and will lap up whatever they are offered in exchange of their vote- cash, blankets, clothes, poori-aaloo, a free ride to the polling booth...well the incentives are many.

But in this whole sickening scenario the guy who takes the cake is the Kerala CM Achutanandan who was snubbed and refused entry by Maj. Sandeep Unnikrishnan's father who didn't want the crocodile tears of politicos marring his son's martyrdom. The man had the audacity to claim that had it not been for Sandeep's being a martyr not even a dog what have glanced in the direction of their home. If this is not treason, what is? How can our democratic system be a mute spectator to all this and still carry on?

Fact is, no matter what we say, no matter how strongly we react, we can't turn a leaf. Because we don't count. And the powers that be won't let us be counted. It is said that extreme situations require extreme measures. The time has come, I guess for extreme measures.