Oh, the games people play...

Nasty and mean and crazy

Meaning to hurt you,

And deliberately cause you pain

Games to make you understand

That you will never be good enough...

No matter how hard you try

Games to push you away

When you want to come close

Games to display their false sense of security

And to show they don't need you

Even when you know they do...

Deep within I think, they know

That they are playing these games

With their own selves and not with others

Yet they can't stop

I wish there were some way...

Oh, the games people play!!

I like to think of myself as a rather straightforward and direct person. I can't address people indirectly and am pathetically bad at the use of sarcasm. But for all my directness, I can't, for the life of me, say hurtful things to people no matter how true they may be. I'd rather keep it all inside me and deal with it my way in my own sweet time. They say that people who say it all on the face are really good at heart and they don't carry any malice with them. I for one, am not too sure about this. I think that many a time, people who say it all, do so to deliberately hurt others and cause heartache and to make things easy for themselves. They vomit it out, hiding behind the silly preconceived notion that they're very clear hearted and then happily move on, regardless of however badly they might have hurt the other party. In my opinion, they are the most insensitive and selfish people of all.

The other problem that ails me is my inability to deal with inconsistencies. I don't and can never understand people who change like the goddamned weather! They are oh, so sweet! today and 'You won't understand, no matter what' kind of unfriendly beings the very next day. I do know that we all have special friends who understand us even more than our own family can, but I somehow, do not like being reminded that to somebody I share family ties with, some bloke sitting 300 km away is the one who matters more. That some piece of advice given by me is shrugged upon and shot down while the same words uttered over the phone by somebody who is not even physically present in the situation is accepted with much gratitude and happiness!! WTH!!! I feel mad and I feel offended and I feel hurt.

What is one to do, when despite everything, one can't seem to get through to the other person? What is one to do to make someone happy, when that someone has decided to ruin his/her own happiness and peace of mind? And then, when it gets too much, I know I'll ultimately reach that point when I say to myself "Chuck it! It's not worth it!" It's not that easy to just chuck it and move on (at least for me) but I think I'm seriously going to give it a shot...

There are times when you can't seem to understand your own emotions, times when you don't know yourself. There are days when you can't figure out your thoughts, your feelings...Tough are such days though few and far between. They bring you down to terra firma. They are your brush with an alternate reality that you know exists, yet pretend not to know about...

I had such a day after I don't even remember how long. A day when tears were threatening to break down the walls of quiet resolve, when even the "public" smile refused to bail me out. I'm glad I was alone then... There are times when you're upset and you want to share your pain with someone and then there are times when you just want to be left alone. It was one of those latter ones... albeit rare.

I know not what happened to cause it, but the feeling was there...the feeling of strange emptiness, listlessness and a dull pain. It's not that intense now, it's like a wave that washes over you and goes by. But it leaves you wet to the core nonetheless. So, the feeling's gone but the after effects remain... Everytime I laugh, I feel a hollowness inside me. I feel as if I'm pretending- in front of the world and maybe even to myself. There's something the matter and I just can't put my finger to it. I carry on with my daily chores but I'm not what I used to be a couple of days ago. I'm changing and I don't know this person that I'm changing into. That's what's bothering me. I want to be me, the me I've known all my life. I don't want to be this person who's unnecessarily contemplative, worried, hassled and sad. I need some time alone with myself. I need to ask myself what went wrong and when? I want to not stop the sadness but to let it take over me and then GO. I just want to cry and cry till I have no more tears left in my system choking me up. I just want to be able to be happy again...

Tomorrow

Tomorrow and every day after that,

I'd like to see your face first thing in the morning.

Tomorrow like yesterday,

I'll want to love you with all my heart.

Tomorrow and forever,

I'll pray to hear you laughing.

Tomorrow and all my life,

I'll need you like I need my breath.

Tomorrow and till eternity,

I'll wish you happiness.

Tomorrow and every living hour,

I'll send your way warm sunshine and a gentle breeze.

Tomorrow I'll hold you in my arms

But today....

I'll count my blessings and just be content.

Ten years!

A million joys

A hundred thousand smiles

Innumerable expressions of love

A few fights

Many disagreements

Immeasurable growth

Boundless devotion

Unmentionable jokes

Passionate kisses

Warm embraces

Days filled with laughter

Nights of love

Sincerity and support

Excitement galore

Happiness unlimited

Forevermore

Uncountable hugs

Pats on the back

Some tears, some fears

Then back on the track

Ten years of togetherness

Ten years of dreams

Ten years of bliss

And Ten years of him...

Love you, always!

Well, well, well...what does one write when one is over the moon? Why is it that words come tumbling out when you're angry or sad or upset but they totally fail you when you are ecstatic? I am at such a juncture now. Am truly at a loss for words here...but write something I will. I once talked about how the grief and desperation of a loved one can pull you into a dark abyss, about how sometimes love's not enough. Today, I stand corrected. I say it with no small amount of pride that love does conquer all. Today, I feel the power of love, yet again. The power of young, blind love that sweeps away all things dull and petty, the kind of love that makes you realize how beautiful and special you are; how you are the most important person in the whole wide world and how you are the one that only you were meant to be.

Love is the magic wand that transforms your life with one swish and you suddenly know that fairy tales do come true...that there really is someone made just for you and that you can find your "happily-ever-after" just with him.

It's the magic potion that gives you the greatest high ever. It's the elixir of life.

It's the hand you reach out for whenever you're down and out....it's the body you seek next to you even when you're deep asleep....it's the voice you yearn to hear whispering sweet lil nothings in your ears....it's the hair you want to run your hands through...the smell you want to keep breathing in....it's just you and the other person and it's just you both as one.

Now, before I totally fly off the handle, I guess I'll sign off. God bless all of us who're in love!

I like to take things easy, like to travel light without too much baggage yet sometimes things get too complicated. I don't like being sad or feeling low and it bothers me a lot if and when I am. I've always been a happy sort of person, one who takes things in her stride and moves on. But I guess life gets the best of us at times.

Today is one such day. Sunil's away for a few days and even at the risk of sounding very immature and foolish I'd like to put it on record here that I miss him a lot. I am not someone who likes to be away from people I love, moreso if that person happens to be my lifeline. And I feel nothing wrong in saying that I don't like to be without him and that is something that constantly weighs on my mind...Add to that the various things that kept going wrong yesterday. It was one helluva day and boy, was I glad when at last it got over! I was faring much better today but then something happened that shook me to the core...

I have a child in the play group who's not even two and a half. Her parents are too busy with their professional committments and the poor child is left at the mercy of a maid. Over a few days, we'd been noticing that she's just not responding to/ getting involved in any activity that's being done in school. It was bothering us a lot and so it was only natural that when her mother came to pick her up today (which she rarely does), I told her that if possible she should try and spend some one to one time with the kid so that there can be some follow up at home for what is being done on school. I might add here that about a fortnight back, the mother had expressed concern that the child can't even rote count to 5 (which I personally feel is no big deal, she's too young). Now, this was dispersal time and the child was holding her bag in her hands. She mindlessly started nibbling at the bag and even as I was talking to the lady, she called the child to her and slapped her hard on the face! The child stumbled and fell down on the floor and started howling...For a couple of seconds I was just so shocked I couldn't react! Even then I thought it happened by mistake and I said "yeh toh zyada zor se lag gaya isey" as I bent down to pick up the child. It was only when I saw the mother's face that I realised to my horror that she'd actually meant to hit her! OMG! After getting up, the crying child started pulling on her mother's dress; she obviously wanted to be pacified but the mother in turn told her' "tumhe pata hai na humne kyun maara hai? Ab chalo kaan pakdo aur sorry bolo". I just had to cut her short here. I told her to stop it because we don't follow this system of humiliating kids by asking them to catch their ears in front of everybody and all that. Some people simply don't know when they are wrong but the worst of all are those who insist that they are right all the time. Here I was talking to one person who belonged to the latter category. Instead of conceding that what she had just done was wrong, she told me to make the child stand in a corner and to tell her that she's under punishment. I refused to do so. By then other parents had started arriving and I had to pull myself away but then I saw the child actually catching her ears and a gratifying smile on the mother's face. How I controlled my temper only I know. People close to me know how absolutely I hate the use of physical violence against children and to have somebody do so in front of my eyes, in my own school...

The only thing that stopped me was sheer courtesy and the fact that Sunil's not here and I didn't want to create a scene in front of all the children and parents. Anyway, I asked her to sit down and then spoke to her at length about the futility of the whole exercise. I don't know if it'll make any difference to her but at least now that I've expresed my displeasure, she won't do it front of me ever again. I don't know how that'll help the child but it's the least I could do.

That brings me to a burning question- why do we as parents deliberately hurt our children, our sensitive, defenceless, helpless children? What do we get out of the whole unpleasantness? And what on earth makes us think that we're actually helping them and doing them a favour...I don't know. This is one question that totally stumps me everytime I think about it. Aren't we guilty of physically or emotionally abusing our own children as much as anybody else who'd do so? I'm just too drained to go on writing about this now. Guess I'll leave it at this and end this with a prayer:

The Gift of a Child

Dear God, I thank You for the gift of this child to raise, this life to share, this mind to help mold, this body to nurture, and this spirit to enrich. Let me never betray this child's trust, dampen this child's hope, or discourage this child's dreams. Help me, dear God, to help this precious child become all You mean him to be. Let Your grace and love fall on him like gentle breezes and give him inner strength and peace and patience for the journey ahead.

Amen.